I thought I would see today as the last day of freedom but I don’t because living with anorexia is in no way freedom. In fact it couldn’t be further away from anything freeing in any way, it is a cold, dark, miserable trap, a nightmare, a prison, a hell. So instead I now see today as the last day of anorexia, I know tomorrow I won’t be magically fixed or anything like that but this is the last day I will let this monster control me. I am strong, I am brave, I am courageous and I will let this go, I deserve to let this go, I deserve to be free.
Saying goodbye to my family is tough, I know they aren’t real goodbyes as I am sure they will visit as much as they can and luckily the hospital isn’t too far to travel but it’s still tough, it was always going to be. It really has amazed me just how incredible my family are, they have all handled this somewhat out of the ordinary situation so well. They all believe in me so much and I hope I can make each one of them proud. I am looking forward to spending summer with them, being well enough to enjoy days out, adventures, holidays, ice creams and picnics the thought of those days are just one of many of the motivations that will keep me going, I need to keep those days in sight.
Good Morning world, just your annoying Nicole posting again! Thanking you all and reminding you of how much I love you, do you ever get really angry at me for posting the same old rambles? I just can’t help it, I need to know you know how much your support and love means to me.
Whilst saying some goodbyes to my family and friends yesterday I felt the odd reason to say goodbye to each of you to and this filled me with loneliness but then all of a sudden I remembered I don’t need to say goodbye to you! How wonderful?
Although I do understand my blog will probably change, I don’t know how and apart of me thought I should maybe start a fresh, a new blog, a new journey but this isn’t a new journey, it is the same one just a new chapter and hopefully a kick arse real recovery I mean business chapter!
Okay little ramble over, I love you and again I apologise for being so annoying and repetitive everything is just such a confusion right now. Wishing you all a lovely Sunday.
The milk thing made me think a lot and I am beginning to really doubt my strength so I decided to make a little step tonight and I am now sitting here with a very warming berry bowl of cinnamon oats.
Thoughts, rambles, worries, basically just me trying to empty my mind by typing away. It’s a very long and lalalala one, you have been seriously warned!
This morning the phone finally rang. Tuesday the 11th of March 2014. That’s it, that’s the date I have been waiting for, the date I will be admitted to an eating disorders hospital and the date I will begin the toughest fight of my life, the fight I have seen so many of you winning and the fight I to will win. I have no idea how I currently feel, I am in tears with emotions and I guess that’s all for now because I honestly don’t think I can type for much longer.