Hello World,

I do hope you haven’t forgotten about me already as it looks like I am going to be away for a while. I apologise for my non blogging but I am sure you all understand. I am unable to have internet right now although I can still read the lovely messages you are sending, they really are keeping me going and also for those of you who are asking of course you are more than welcome to still send me letters and I am using the same address as always. I am sure you know how much I miss you all but I really think taking a break from all things internet is for my best right now. 

Although it hasn’t been long this has already been the scariest, toughest and most challenging thing I have ever experienced. Each day is a whole new fight but I promise to keep fighting and I promise to win. I am sending you all my love and wishing each and every one you a lifetime of true happiness. Remember you are strong, you are brave and you are courageous. As long as you are true to the strength within your own heart, you can never go wrong, don’t ever stop believing in yourself, strength, strength, strength.

Love always, Nicole. 

All packed and ready to go! Oh I am going to look like a little girl turning up, I swear it’s all sweat pants, socks and pyjamas. I wish I could stop these crazy thoughts just for tonight, I need to sleep :( okay that’s it, pyjamas on, candles lit and I shall try to stop thinking.. If only I was going on a holiday hmm.. dreaming but I guess without this fight there won’t be any chance of holidays, just more motivation! Positive thoughts and love to you.

I thought I would see today as the last day of freedom but I don’t because living with anorexia is in no way freedom. In fact it couldn’t be further away from anything freeing in any way, it is a cold, dark, miserable trap, a nightmare, a prison, a hell. So instead I now see today as the last day of anorexia, I know tomorrow I won’t be magically fixed or anything like that but this is the last day I will let this monster control me. I am strong, I am brave, I am courageous and I will let this go, I deserve to let this go, I deserve to be free.

Saying goodbye to my family is tough, I know they aren’t real goodbyes as I am sure they will visit as much as they can and luckily the hospital isn’t too far to travel but it’s still tough, it was always going to be. It really has amazed me just how incredible my family are, they have all handled this somewhat out of the ordinary situation so well. They all believe in me so much and I hope I can make each one of them proud. I am looking forward to spending summer with them, being well enough to enjoy days out, adventures, holidays, ice creams and picnics the thought of those days are just one of many of the motivations that will keep me going, I need to keep those days in sight.

Good Morning world, just your annoying Nicole posting again! Thanking you all and reminding you of how much I love you, do you ever get really angry at me for posting the same old rambles? I just can’t help it, I need to know you know how much your support and love means to me.
Whilst saying some goodbyes to my family and friends yesterday I felt the odd reason to say goodbye to each of you to and this filled me with loneliness but then all of a sudden I remembered I don’t need to say goodbye to you! How wonderful?
Although I do understand my blog will probably change, I don’t know how and apart of me thought I should maybe start a fresh, a new blog, a new journey but this isn’t a new journey, it is the same one just a new chapter and hopefully a kick arse real recovery I mean business chapter!
Okay little ramble over, I love you and again I apologise for being so annoying and repetitive everything is just such a confusion right now. Wishing you all a lovely Sunday.

The milk thing made me think a lot and I am beginning to really doubt my strength so I decided to make a little step tonight and I am now sitting here with a very warming berry bowl of cinnamon oats.

This has just come in the post, one leaflet, just one leaflet and I feel like I can not breathe. Everything seems to be happening so quickly, before I know it it will be tuesday, I need to be at the hospital for eleven o’clock. That will be it, no looking back, I choose recovery, I choose to let this go. It says on arrival I will be offered a glass of milk which I will need to drink, I haven’t drank real dairy, non calorie counted, non light or measured out milk in over five years, this will be my first step, a step I am already doubting myself over, am I really strong enough for this? It’s all becoming so real, I have so many thoughts rushing around my mind. Can I seriously win this fight?

A few of you already know that I have been battling a horrible illness for a few years now and I never could have imagined the fight would be so hard. It has left me tired, weak and for the first time I can see how it is slowly killing me. So the time has come, enough is enough and as scary as it is going to be I must put my trust in those around me, I must learn to change and I must let it go.

I am strong for admitting my weaknesses, I am brave for accepting the help I so desperately need and I am courageous for the fight I am about to begin. I am also terrified but that’s okay because I am determined to leave this behind me, to return to health and to finally live my life in freedom. Anorexia I will win this fight.

I am posting this here, instagram and facebook because I really need to find some strength and strangely this poem means so much to me, I don’t know it just feels like something I need to do.

Thoughts, rambles, worries, basically just me trying to empty my mind by typing away. It’s a very long and lalalala one, you have been seriously warned!

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Good Morning to you truly wonderful, magical people, I am afraid to tell you I still haven’t stopped crying and this time it’s down to you. I am honestly so overwhelmed reading all of your kind and thoughtful messages, you have no idea how much each one means to me, how much each of you mean to me! I just wish I could come and give each one of you a big thank you cuddle but you must forgive me as this cute little illustration will have to do. Again, I still feel rather strange and I don’t know if any of this makes sense but I do know that I wouldn’t be here without you. That sounds silly, right? Like how on earth can a blog or an internet friend or message save somebody? Well, I speak only the truth and I love and thank you all very much, yes I do and look so does this elephant here. Wishing you all a lovely Thursday.