Hello lovely little world that is if you are still there, please be there. I hate to do this but I could do with a little help and I am pretty sure this is the right if only place to go. Recovery wise things are going really well although I am getting a little anxious but more so excited about starting college next week. I am only there three days a week but those three days will be pretty full on and I will be out of the house from half seven till six, would anybody please suggest some things I can take with me for snacks and lunch? and also quick things to have for breakfast and dinner? No food is feared, no food is banned (except the obvious weight watchers rubbish I have no time for that) I just need to squish it all into my bag :) Much love to you all.
Hello again! I have come home to a very full and love filled inbox, please know how much you all mean to me and I hope you understand why I want to leave this little place behind (for now). My journey continues on my other less recovery more nicole focused blog amongstthemeadowsweet.tumblr.com (I don’t know how to link hehe) and of course my instagram to nicolesjourney, all my love.
Hello world, hehe just when you think your getting rid of me BAM I surprise you or annoy you either way I say hello! I have received a lot of questions about what happened so I wrote a little about it.. I say a little I mean a lot. I shall but a trigger warning here just incase but really I guess this is for my own benefit as it’s something I need to remember along with every other post here.
It’s hard to look back at my lowest point, it is still very raw and painful but I do it now and again to remind myself of what I went through, of how it felt and what I was like, I use this to keep me going, it keeps me pushing forward as I am reminded no matter how scary the future is it isn’t as scary as going back there, back to that place where I was lost for so long.
That’s how it felt, like I was lost, there was hardly any Nicole left just a shadow of anorexia, of course there was a glimmer of myself fighting to get out, screaming for help, I guess I am lucky in a way that she was still there and asked for help when she did, if it had been any longer I wouldn’t be here today, not to sound dramatic but I really wouldn’t, if it wouldn’t have been starvation it would have been depression.
When I say I was lost I mean it was like I had been stolen, I was trapped and couldn’t escape no matter how hard I tried and God knows I did. I needed to accept help in order to break free, I needed to admit that I was too weak to fight the cruel illness alone.
The waiting was the worst, everyday as I waited for the phone to ring I could feel myself slip further away, I was watching myself slowly die and there wasn’t anything I could do but wait and so I waited and waited. Weeks soon became months and by the end I barely had the energy to pick up the phone. I dread to think what would have happened if it had been any longer.
When I got the call it was like a relief, like somebody was finally going to save me but I was wrong only I could save myself, I just needed to become stronger and this is what going in to hospital gave me, it gave me the strength I need to fight.
The weakness was scary, I could feel my bones giving up, the ache in my heart becoming deeper and deeper, the struggle to breathe, sleepless nights as the springs pressed up against my spine and the coldness even in layers of clothes, quilts and blankets I could still feel it, so cold I felt like passing out, the burn marks from my hot water bottle and hair dryer have only just faded.
I remember one of the first things I felt was warmth, I guess the ward needs to be a certain temperature for patients, it felt so strange after what felt like a lifetime of coldness. It was all very confusing, meal plans, meeting people, being treated like I was ill, really ill, I hadn’t had that kind of care before, people telling me I am too weak to walk and being chased around by a wheel chair, was I really that ill? It was hard to believe, hard to see. I remember looking at the other patients thinking am I really as ill as them? I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t believe it.
It was strange because it was like a home but also a hospital, my room was big and I had a television but then there was a hospital bed and I was having tests, checks and medication.
I remember my first little pot of medicine, two brown ones, two big ones, two orange ones and a big white one, as well as some sort of fizzy drink. Taking medication to get better sounds easy right? Wrong. The anorexia just got louder and louder, I remember thinking I didn’t deserve health, I didn’t deserve to get better, why should I take those tablets? I’m not ill. This is when that tiny little bit of myself had to fight harder, I needed to take the tablets, and I needed to rest, eat and slowly build my strength up.
It took a good couple of months before things started to feel okay, I had a panic attack every day, for my first few weeks, I couldn’t control them, it was like it wasn’t just taking over my mind but my body to. I remember being in my room just before dinner, my thoughts going wild, the little bit of myself too weak to fight, a constant war until beaten down and so it took over, my body started shaking, I couldn’t breathe and so I pressed the alarm out of no where nurses, doctors and care workers all rushing in doing tests. Again that’s when it hit me, I was in a hospital.
After a while of feeling like the ‘new kid’ I made some friends, really real friends, ones I will keep forever. It was strange because I have never met anybody who understood before, I mean my family and friends have tried but they never really got it, not like these girls. It made me feel sad as I didn’t want them to feel like I did but also I felt less lonely, it was nice, I didn’t feel like the weird one or the ill one. We could all help each other and it was being able to see how anorexia twisted their minds that helped me see how it was twisting mine. I was able to begin to rationalize most of my thoughts and with the help of my therapist, anxiety classes and constant challenging I started to feel a little less anorexic.
Mentally I was moving fast although physically things weren’t changing, this was one of the most frustrating things and my doctors didn’t seem to understand. I mean I was doing everything right, clearly my body needed more yet trying to get that in a hospital where everything has to fit a certain plan isn’t as easy as you would think. Id had enough, I could feel it, putting a hold on my mental recovery, I needed to try to it myself, I needed to be home and so I attempted to discharge myself.
My doctor was in disbelief and I remember her saying ‘your not ready to let go, it’s the illness trying to trick you’ I don’t know if this was some kind of reverse phycology or whether she was stereotyping me either way I was ready, ready to let go and certainly ready to prove her wrong. It was almost like I had a body to prove wrong, a real person instead of the mental thoughts of anorexia.
After many tears and being assessed I was allowed home for a week, I guess this was the test and so my fight alone began. I remember having a lot of self doubt, I struggled to believe I was strong enough to do it and each meal, each snack I did I began to believe, it was that self believe I needed to let go and I finally realised the more I believe in myself the more I can let go.
Today I was discharged, today I believe in myself.
I am strong, I am brave, I am courageous.
I don’t want to judge people here or for this to sound offensive in anyway but after leaving for a while and then coming back and seeing the same old thing, the same old posts all ‘recovering’, worries, struggles, ups, downs, debates, triggers, numbers, thoughts, disorders, food, body image, ‘look what I dids’, I realise yet again how disordered it all is.
I just wanted to say before I go again that you do not need to justify eating, you don’t need to be congratulated or make a one hundred word post about it because the reality is it’s just food, it’s energy, sure it can be enjoyed and we all speak about it, heck I think the world has more food photographers than ever before but I think recovery (for me anyway) is about normalising your thoughts and feelings around food and that isn’t by posting about it twenty four seven, it isn’t about documenting intakes or having well dones’ for eating a meal or snack. It’s about seeing and treating it as apart of everyday life. I do apologise if this makes no sense I just think it would have helped me to read something like this here last year when I believed the only way I could eat or challenge myself was if somebody anybody knew about it and was there to congratulate me. Now it isn’t like that and I finally feel like my relationship with food is normalising.
Don’t justify your dinner tonight, don’t think about how well it will make your recovery, don’t make it look like a five star meal to take a photograph, just go with it, enjoy it, you do not need to be congratulated for eating it, for fighting those thoughts because you are the only one who needs to know how far your getting and if your being honest with yourself you will know that.
Hello little world of tublr! Oh my that did seem strange to type, it’s been a while and I do hope you forgive me for my lack of updates and replies again I thank you very much for all of your support and love filled messages. Here is a little update on how things have been. It’s been a very tough and life changing last few months. There have been a lot of ups and a lot of downs but I am finally starting to feel more balanced and my future is once again looking bright.
Well where to start? Since coming here I have found things out about myself I had never even thought about before, I have looked into my past and accepted it for what it is, I am ready to stop questioning it and leave it well and truly behind me. I have challenged myself and faced fears I never thought I would face, I have learnt so much, too much to even say! Lessons that I will never forget and have without a doubt saved my life. I have met the most wonderful people and I will be forever grateful for the help, support and encouragement they have given me.
I am not saying things are easy now or that my journey is over, if anything it’s only just beginning but it is time to say good bye to this chapter, it’s time to move on, stop searching and start living. I am truly thankful for all your help over the last couple of years and I love each and everyone of you. Always remember you are brave, you are strong and you are courageous. Wishing you all a lifetime of true happiness, Love Nicole xxx
I haven’t written in a while and I really feel the need to but then all I want to say is how much I want to be home and that doesn’t seem very helpful at all but I need somewhere to let it out.
I do hope you haven’t forgotten about me already as it looks like I am going to be away for a while. I apologise for my non blogging but I am sure you all understand. I am unable to have internet right now although I can still read the lovely messages you are sending, they really are keeping me going and also for those of you who are asking of course you are more than welcome to still send me letters and I am using the same address as always. I am sure you know how much I miss you all but I really think taking a break from all things internet is for my best right now.
Although it hasn’t been long this has already been the scariest, toughest and most challenging thing I have ever experienced. Each day is a whole new fight but I promise to keep fighting and I promise to win. I am sending you all my love and wishing each and every one you a lifetime of true happiness. Remember you are strong, you are brave and you are courageous. As long as you are true to the strength within your own heart, you can never go wrong, don’t ever stop believing in yourself, strength, strength, strength.
Love always, Nicole.