Hello world, yet again I am stumbling to you for help on the foodie front well where else would I go hey? So I seem to have a problem although nothing has been diagnosed yet (waiting for doctors and tests typical!) I am almost one hundred percent sure I have celiac disease or if not some sort of gluten allergy! Whilst I wait and prepare myself for whatever it could be could any of you recommend any free from foodies or brands and shops? I really can’t let this be an excuse to slip back, I have come too far. Love you all forever and always.
Outtake? (Tell us something funny that happened to you today!) :)
Hehehe I like this little anonymous! I am going to write a few little things that have happened lately although I tend to find things funny that other people don’t but thats okay because you can just laugh at my awful sense of humour :)..
The other day in class, we were on the computers baring in mind my class is full of mmm older ladies than myself anyway one lady turned to me and said ‘oh nicole I can’t get this microwave to work!’, hahaha I was laughing for a good while after and I am still laughing now bless her she meant to say microsoft hehe.
Today in the car my mother got into the wrong lane or something like that and she said ‘oh linda linda linda’ in a strange voice now this will only be funny if you have see the little linda linda linda boy on youtube if not I suggest you go and watch it :)
The other day I was out shopping with my mother and auntie and I said ‘oh mum loves wood’, my auntie quickly looked at me and shouted in panic ‘what?! You can smell blood?!’ hahaha I was laughing so much, I cried a little.
Oh no looking at this I sound so much like michelle from american pie.. ‘this one time at band camp..’
Okay so if that didn’t make you laugh I hope this video does.
It’s funny how many of these I have in my inbox, I never turn anonymous on and when I do it fills up of people wanting to know what and how much I have eaten during my day.
I used to post them like it was what recovery was all about but now I realise how ill and disordered of me that was. I have finally learnt that it isn’t, that recovery is about life and finding peace and happiness with who I am as a person, it really doesn’t have much to do with food at all.
I still struggle to see what knowing what I or anybody else has eaten could help anybody as everybody, everyone is different but I understand for some people it is still all they are thinking about, all they want to do is compare or judge and I am sorry if I am assuming that is also what you want to do. Anyway here is my intake for you,
breakfast: I woke up at silly o’clock feeling rather ill so I snook down the stairs and had huge cuddles of Syd.
mid morning: Still feeling ill my mother gave me a hug and made me feel so loved.
lunch: I had a lovely bath filled with bubbles then got changed into the most comfiest outfit and it was all warm.
Hehe so far today I have taken in.. Cuddles, love and warmth. (Cheesy!) I have also taken in illness, pain and oh I did some revision (flower names) so I guess education maybe..
I have gotten myself this far and I will not go back. I will keep fighting, I will get further, I will recover.
It’s not all about food you guys but it is pretty amazing how much your taste buds can change, you just need to let go a little each and everyday. A reminder to myself that if I hadn’t have let go when I chose what to eat I wouldn’t be able to live my life like I do now, I wouldn’t have discovered some of my new favourite foods (beans, potato and sushi hehe) and I would still be trapped, keep letting go, keep moving forward. Only you have the power to change.
Hello lovely little world that is if you are still there, please be there. I hate to do this but I could do with a little help and I am pretty sure this is the right if only place to go. Recovery wise things are going really well although I am getting a little anxious but more so excited about starting college next week. I am only there three days a week but those three days will be pretty full on and I will be out of the house from half seven till six, would anybody please suggest some things I can take with me for snacks and lunch? and also quick things to have for breakfast and dinner? No food is feared, no food is banned (except the obvious weight watchers rubbish I have no time for that) I just need to squish it all into my bag :) Much love to you all.
Hello again! I have come home to a very full and love filled inbox, please know how much you all mean to me and I hope you understand why I want to leave this little place behind (for now). My journey continues on my other less recovery more nicole focused blog amongstthemeadowsweet.tumblr.com (I don’t know how to link hehe) and of course my instagram to nicolesjourney, all my love.
Hello world, hehe just when you think your getting rid of me BAM I surprise you or annoy you either way I say hello! I have received a lot of questions about what happened so I wrote a little about it.. I say a little I mean a lot. I shall but a trigger warning here just incase but really I guess this is for my own benefit as it’s something I need to remember along with every other post here.
It’s hard to look back at my lowest point, it is still very raw and painful but I do it now and again to remind myself of what I went through, of how it felt and what I was like, I use this to keep me going, it keeps me pushing forward as I am reminded no matter how scary the future is it isn’t as scary as going back there, back to that place where I was lost for so long.
That’s how it felt, like I was lost, there was hardly any Nicole left just a shadow of anorexia, of course there was a glimmer of myself fighting to get out, screaming for help, I guess I am lucky in a way that she was still there and asked for help when she did, if it had been any longer I wouldn’t be here today, not to sound dramatic but I really wouldn’t, if it wouldn’t have been starvation it would have been depression.
When I say I was lost I mean it was like I had been stolen, I was trapped and couldn’t escape no matter how hard I tried and God knows I did. I needed to accept help in order to break free, I needed to admit that I was too weak to fight the cruel illness alone.
The waiting was the worst, everyday as I waited for the phone to ring I could feel myself slip further away, I was watching myself slowly die and there wasn’t anything I could do but wait and so I waited and waited. Weeks soon became months and by the end I barely had the energy to pick up the phone. I dread to think what would have happened if it had been any longer.
When I got the call it was like a relief, like somebody was finally going to save me but I was wrong only I could save myself, I just needed to become stronger and this is what going in to hospital gave me, it gave me the strength I need to fight.
The weakness was scary, I could feel my bones giving up, the ache in my heart becoming deeper and deeper, the struggle to breathe, sleepless nights as the springs pressed up against my spine and the coldness even in layers of clothes, quilts and blankets I could still feel it, so cold I felt like passing out, the burn marks from my hot water bottle and hair dryer have only just faded.
I remember one of the first things I felt was warmth, I guess the ward needs to be a certain temperature for patients, it felt so strange after what felt like a lifetime of coldness. It was all very confusing, meal plans, meeting people, being treated like I was ill, really ill, I hadn’t had that kind of care before, people telling me I am too weak to walk and being chased around by a wheel chair, was I really that ill? It was hard to believe, hard to see. I remember looking at the other patients thinking am I really as ill as them? I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t believe it.
It was strange because it was like a home but also a hospital, my room was big and I had a television but then there was a hospital bed and I was having tests, checks and medication.
I remember my first little pot of medicine, two brown ones, two big ones, two orange ones and a big white one, as well as some sort of fizzy drink. Taking medication to get better sounds easy right? Wrong. The anorexia just got louder and louder, I remember thinking I didn’t deserve health, I didn’t deserve to get better, why should I take those tablets? I’m not ill. This is when that tiny little bit of myself had to fight harder, I needed to take the tablets, and I needed to rest, eat and slowly build my strength up.
It took a good couple of months before things started to feel okay, I had a panic attack every day, for my first few weeks, I couldn’t control them, it was like it wasn’t just taking over my mind but my body to. I remember being in my room just before dinner, my thoughts going wild, the little bit of myself too weak to fight, a constant war until beaten down and so it took over, my body started shaking, I couldn’t breathe and so I pressed the alarm out of no where nurses, doctors and care workers all rushing in doing tests. Again that’s when it hit me, I was in a hospital.
After a while of feeling like the ‘new kid’ I made some friends, really real friends, ones I will keep forever. It was strange because I have never met anybody who understood before, I mean my family and friends have tried but they never really got it, not like these girls. It made me feel sad as I didn’t want them to feel like I did but also I felt less lonely, it was nice, I didn’t feel like the weird one or the ill one. We could all help each other and it was being able to see how anorexia twisted their minds that helped me see how it was twisting mine. I was able to begin to rationalize most of my thoughts and with the help of my therapist, anxiety classes and constant challenging I started to feel a little less anorexic.
Mentally I was moving fast although physically things weren’t changing, this was one of the most frustrating things and my doctors didn’t seem to understand. I mean I was doing everything right, clearly my body needed more yet trying to get that in a hospital where everything has to fit a certain plan isn’t as easy as you would think. Id had enough, I could feel it, putting a hold on my mental recovery, I needed to try to it myself, I needed to be home and so I attempted to discharge myself.
My doctor was in disbelief and I remember her saying ‘your not ready to let go, it’s the illness trying to trick you’ I don’t know if this was some kind of reverse phycology or whether she was stereotyping me either way I was ready, ready to let go and certainly ready to prove her wrong. It was almost like I had a body to prove wrong, a real person instead of the mental thoughts of anorexia.
After many tears and being assessed I was allowed home for a week, I guess this was the test and so my fight alone began. I remember having a lot of self doubt, I struggled to believe I was strong enough to do it and each meal, each snack I did I began to believe, it was that self believe I needed to let go and I finally realised the more I believe in myself the more I can let go.
Today I was discharged, today I believe in myself.
I am strong, I am brave, I am courageous.
I honestly can’t believe the difference, five months of hard work, tears and fighting every single day is finally paying of, my future is looking bright!
Keep fighting, I promise it will be worth it.
I don’t want to judge people here or for this to sound offensive in anyway but after leaving for a while and then coming back and seeing the same old thing, the same old posts all ‘recovering’, worries, struggles, ups, downs, debates, triggers, numbers, thoughts, disorders, food, body image, ‘look what I dids’, I realise yet again how disordered it all is.
I just wanted to say before I go again that you do not need to justify eating, you don’t need to be congratulated or make a one hundred word post about it because the reality is it’s just food, it’s energy, sure it can be enjoyed and we all speak about it, heck I think the world has more food photographers than ever before but I think recovery (for me anyway) is about normalising your thoughts and feelings around food and that isn’t by posting about it twenty four seven, it isn’t about documenting intakes or having well dones’ for eating a meal or snack. It’s about seeing and treating it as apart of everyday life. I do apologise if this makes no sense I just think it would have helped me to read something like this here last year when I believed the only way I could eat or challenge myself was if somebody anybody knew about it and was there to congratulate me. Now it isn’t like that and I finally feel like my relationship with food is normalising.
Don’t justify your dinner tonight, don’t think about how well it will make your recovery, don’t make it look like a five star meal to take a photograph, just go with it, enjoy it, you do not need to be congratulated for eating it, for fighting those thoughts because you are the only one who needs to know how far your getting and if your being honest with yourself you will know that.
Hello little world of tublr! Oh my that did seem strange to type, it’s been a while and I do hope you forgive me for my lack of updates and replies again I thank you very much for all of your support and love filled messages. Here is a little update on how things have been. It’s been a very tough and life changing last few months. There have been a lot of ups and a lot of downs but I am finally starting to feel more balanced and my future is once again looking bright.
Well where to start? Since coming here I have found things out about myself I had never even thought about before, I have looked into my past and accepted it for what it is, I am ready to stop questioning it and leave it well and truly behind me. I have challenged myself and faced fears I never thought I would face, I have learnt so much, too much to even say! Lessons that I will never forget and have without a doubt saved my life. I have met the most wonderful people and I will be forever grateful for the help, support and encouragement they have given me.
I am not saying things are easy now or that my journey is over, if anything it’s only just beginning but it is time to say good bye to this chapter, it’s time to move on, stop searching and start living. I am truly thankful for all your help over the last couple of years and I love each and everyone of you. Always remember you are brave, you are strong and you are courageous. Wishing you all a lifetime of true happiness, Love Nicole xxx