I don’t want to judge people here or for this to sound offensive in anyway but after leaving for a while and then coming back and seeing the same old thing, the same old posts all ‘recovering’, worries, struggles, ups, downs, debates, triggers, numbers, thoughts, disorders, food, body image, ‘look what I dids’, I realise yet again how disordered it all is.
I just wanted to say before I go again that you do not need to justify eating, you don’t need to be congratulated or make a one hundred word post about it because the reality is it’s just food, it’s energy, sure it can be enjoyed and we all speak about it, heck I think the world has more food photographers than ever before but I think recovery (for me anyway) is about normalising your thoughts and feelings around food and that isn’t by posting about it twenty four seven, it isn’t about documenting intakes or having well dones’ for eating a meal or snack. It’s about seeing and treating it as apart of everyday life. I do apologise if this makes no sense I just think it would have helped me to read something like this here last year when I believed the only way I could eat or challenge myself was if somebody anybody knew about it and was there to congratulate me. Now it isn’t like that and I finally feel like my relationship with food is normalising.
Don’t justify your dinner tonight, don’t think about how well it will make your recovery, don’t make it look like a five star meal to take a photograph, just go with it, enjoy it, you do not need to be congratulated for eating it, for fighting those thoughts because you are the only one who needs to know how far your getting and if your being honest with yourself you will know that.

Hello little world of tublr! Oh my that did seem strange to type, it’s been a while and I do hope you forgive me for my lack of updates and replies again I thank you very much for all of your support and love filled messages. Here is a little update on how things have been. It’s been a very tough and life changing last few months. There have been a lot of ups and a lot of downs but I am finally starting to feel more balanced and my future is once again looking bright.

Well where to start? Since coming here I have found things out about myself I had never even thought about before, I have looked into my past and accepted it for what it is, I am ready to stop questioning it and leave it well and truly behind me. I have challenged myself and faced fears I never thought I would face, I have learnt so much, too much to even say! Lessons that I will never forget and have without a doubt saved my life. I have met the most wonderful people and I will be forever grateful for the help, support and encouragement they have given me.

I am not saying things are easy now or that my journey is over, if anything it’s only just beginning but it is time to say good bye to this chapter, it’s time to move on, stop searching and start living. I am truly thankful for all your help over the last couple of years and I love each and everyone of you. Always remember you are brave, you are strong and you are courageous. Wishing you all a lifetime of true happiness, Love Nicole xxx

I haven’t written in a while and I really feel the need to but then all I want to say is how much I want to be home and that doesn’t seem very helpful at all but I need somewhere to let it out.

Hello again lovelies, I can’t believe it’s almost been two months! I’m still missing you all and things are still so hard but I’m getting stronger each and every day :) I am looking forward to being well enough to cheer the team on as they run for mind in a few weeks time, of course Syd will also be cheering them on :) we have almost reached our target so please spread the word, even just one pound will make a difference. Love always, Nicole ❤️

Hello world! I hope you all remember me 😊 if not it’s Nicole I’m the granny in the wheelchair and look who came to visit me 🐶 anyway I just wanted to pop by and wish you all a Happy Easter. I hope your all enjoying the sunshine unfortunately I haven’t been able to leave the hospital but I’m keeping positive and fingers crossed it won’t be long until I’m allowed out for a little. I’m feeling rather homesick now but seeing Syd brightened up my day and reading your lovely messages is keeping me motivated thank you so much, love always ❤️

Hello World,

I do hope you haven’t forgotten about me already as it looks like I am going to be away for a while. I apologise for my non blogging but I am sure you all understand. I am unable to have internet right now although I can still read the lovely messages you are sending, they really are keeping me going and also for those of you who are asking of course you are more than welcome to still send me letters and I am using the same address as always. I am sure you know how much I miss you all but I really think taking a break from all things internet is for my best right now. 

Although it hasn’t been long this has already been the scariest, toughest and most challenging thing I have ever experienced. Each day is a whole new fight but I promise to keep fighting and I promise to win. I am sending you all my love and wishing each and every one you a lifetime of true happiness. Remember you are strong, you are brave and you are courageous. As long as you are true to the strength within your own heart, you can never go wrong, don’t ever stop believing in yourself, strength, strength, strength.

Love always, Nicole. 

All packed and ready to go! Oh I am going to look like a little girl turning up, I swear it’s all sweat pants, socks and pyjamas. I wish I could stop these crazy thoughts just for tonight, I need to sleep :( okay that’s it, pyjamas on, candles lit and I shall try to stop thinking.. If only I was going on a holiday hmm.. dreaming but I guess without this fight there won’t be any chance of holidays, just more motivation! Positive thoughts and love to you.

I thought I would see today as the last day of freedom but I don’t because living with anorexia is in no way freedom. In fact it couldn’t be further away from anything freeing in any way, it is a cold, dark, miserable trap, a nightmare, a prison, a hell. So instead I now see today as the last day of anorexia, I know tomorrow I won’t be magically fixed or anything like that but this is the last day I will let this monster control me. I am strong, I am brave, I am courageous and I will let this go, I deserve to let this go, I deserve to be free.

Saying goodbye to my family is tough, I know they aren’t real goodbyes as I am sure they will visit as much as they can and luckily the hospital isn’t too far to travel but it’s still tough, it was always going to be. It really has amazed me just how incredible my family are, they have all handled this somewhat out of the ordinary situation so well. They all believe in me so much and I hope I can make each one of them proud. I am looking forward to spending summer with them, being well enough to enjoy days out, adventures, holidays, ice creams and picnics the thought of those days are just one of many of the motivations that will keep me going, I need to keep those days in sight.

Good Morning world, just your annoying Nicole posting again! Thanking you all and reminding you of how much I love you, do you ever get really angry at me for posting the same old rambles? I just can’t help it, I need to know you know how much your support and love means to me.
Whilst saying some goodbyes to my family and friends yesterday I felt the odd reason to say goodbye to each of you to and this filled me with loneliness but then all of a sudden I remembered I don’t need to say goodbye to you! How wonderful?
Although I do understand my blog will probably change, I don’t know how and apart of me thought I should maybe start a fresh, a new blog, a new journey but this isn’t a new journey, it is the same one just a new chapter and hopefully a kick arse real recovery I mean business chapter!
Okay little ramble over, I love you and again I apologise for being so annoying and repetitive everything is just such a confusion right now. Wishing you all a lovely Sunday.